Introductory Paragraph
Whether you are a male or a female, an introvert or an extrovert, a republican or democrat, each and every person has their own individualized experience that has let them to where they are in the world today and the view they have. The social and educational background of each human being on earth is completely unique. Beliefs, morals, and the way we chose to conduct ourselves in situations all stem from our completely personal life experiences. Background creates perception and a different view on the world from person to person. A professional in the healthcare field may perceive a statement in one way whereas a patient with cancer being treated by the previously mentioned professional can perceive the exact same statement in a completely opposite way. Since the doctor has not been through chemo or had the burden of struggling with cancer, she is unaware of exactly what is going through the mind of a cancer patient. Saying things like “you are a fighter” or “cancer is war” can spark a very negative response from the patient even though they metaphors created by the doctor create a somewhat accurate representation of what cancer is like.
Intro Draft 2:
Word choice is said to be a very deliberate process. The words we us in everyday conversations may not seem to be as though out or intentional as written text, but it still holds the same, if not more, power to influence. Words on a page are carefully thought out and can easily be altered to please the public but it is much harder to take back words after they have been released to a large audience. In the hospital full of people with diverse background, knowledge, and personalities, it is important to be aware of the word choice being used in each unique situation. While one patient may respond well to cancer being viewed as a battle, it may sicken another patient even more deeply than the cancer they are faced with. As a doctor, nurse, or even janitor in a hospital surrounded by this abundance of diversity, it can seem overwhelming to speak without offending someone each and every time you open your mouth to generate a conversation. Being aware of your patients cultural and social background can enhance your relationships with patients and help you better understand that words have a strong influence on how people perceive what you say.
1) Great job setting the scope and making clear what you are going to be talking about
2) maybe a more definitive statement on your position could help make this stronger
You have a very engaging introduction and keeps the reader thinking on the situation. What to work on is your claim because I haven’t been able to dig out what you want us to know in your introduction and your sources that backup your claim (Geary,Erard,Khullar)
I really like how you made the comment that metaphors coming from the doctor can be taken the wrong way because they haven’t experienced it themselves. Your thesis could be worked a little bit more to make it a little stronger and clearer to the reader. Good job.